Love & Romance
Subject : Marriage Hanging By a Thread
Question : I need advice. I am American and married an Indian. We have a son who is a year old. My husband never told his family and they have been searching for a bride for him- seriously searching (they've seen 200 girls over the last 2 years)!! He refuses to tell them saying that it will crush them since he is the only son and his sister ran away & eloped to a Hindu (their family is Sikh). So the parents have all their hopes and dreams set on him and this wedding. He says that they will be shamed so badly that they may disown him, but worse yet- won't be able to show their faces in society. He says he loves me but the plan is to get the green card and then we are on our seperate ways. He says he loves the baby too, but he owes allegience to his parents over everything. I have gotten into his culture as much as I possibly could- I cook the food, go to the Gurudwara, wear the clothes- everything. In fact, I take care of him so well- you would think I was his mother or maid and not his wife. The girls that come here from India don't do half as much as I do cause they always had servants back home. The major malfunction seems to be that I am "gori" and not "desi". Ah yes, and I am not from a rich family or have a masters in computer science. (I guess) No matter what I do, it's never enough. I really seriously love my husband & I want to save my family. We haven't had the immigration interview yet so I don't know that he will definetly be able to remain here. I don't know what that will mean for us if he doesn't get it, but even if he does he makes it seem like this is inevitable that he will divorce me and marry a girl his parents choose. Only a select handful of people know about us...we even have to avoid the town we lived in altogether so nobody sees us...apparently cause he thinks there is some underground Indian network equivalent to the CIA which will get info back to his folks. My family didn't even attend my marriage and it took them 2 months to talk to me after I married him. And I have moved far away from my friends. I am alone in more ways than one. I don't know what to do and I feel like I am trapped. I am a housewife as well and don't have any money saved if he bails out on me...but he claims I can have everything when he leaves. Sometimes I wonder if he isn't mentally ill the way he is so loving and then reverts to I ruined his life by not aborting and marrying him. In fact, I don't know how we even are married after he abandoned me while I was 4 months pregnant and had an affair with a loose girl at school and a married ex of his. He claims I ruined his life, but apparently he did alot of things in India itself that were less than desirable of a human to do (I found out after marriage). He is no longer religious and says that life holds no meaning or excitement for him after meeting me. He leaves me at home when he goes out because his buddies can't know about me...and when we can't go out because of the baby he complains. He never wants to go anywhere with us, he will rather sit at home. I have gotten books for him about relationships, I have suggested a counselor- you name it. He just won't have any part of it. He gets mad when I question his wherabouts but I have to given his past behavior. He thinks everything isn't fair and he was robbed of his destiny due to me. He thinks all his single buddies have it made cause they have loads or girlfriends, go to clubs, visit strippers, have expensive cars and clothes, and travel. I just don't know what I have done wrong or what I can do to fix this. Is there no hope? I know he is 26 and all but sometimes I feel like I am dealing with a 16 yr old. He won't lift a finger around the house and is spoiled rotten, but I feel like if I don't perform to expectation that he will think I am not homely enough and leave me. He has also been making remarks about the pregnancy weight and I feel really bad about that I haven't reduced that much. I am depressed and have contemplated what will happen when and if he leaves me.I wanted to get a therapist but he doesn't believe in that. I have nobody to talk to- my friends and family don't want to hear it cause they told me not to marry him & others run back and tell him & then gossip about what I said. So there is nobody actually. I feel like there's no solution and no way out for me. I want to know if this is typical of Indian guys,of Indian parents, and what shall I do???
Posted by : Witheld
Posted on : 2006-01-07
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