Love & Romance
Subject : inter racial dilemna
Question : I am in a mess here. I am seeing a student from India since August. He is Sikh. I am American. I am 21 weeks pregnant. We are engaged but not yet married. He tells me that someday he will HAVE to marry a Punjabi woman that his mother chooses and return to India. Yet he tells me he loves me. Only our friends here know. His family has no idea. He used to put me on the phone when they called...that stopped in October after I found out I was pregnant. I am worried. He also has an ex in the next town over who calls him constantly and whom he also spends time with. He has told me I am not "homely" but I was never given a chance to prove this! No I dont know how to cook Indian food yet or speak Hindi and I dont have the same clothing...but I have everything else that any other woman in the world has biologically. He also has remarked on my education. I have only trade school and was apprenticed to a master photographer from France. I am certified by 4 major companies in the industry...but alas, have no masters degree as he does. He complains about how I ruined his life by not aborting...something I am strongly opposed to. And the way he says he will have to do what Indian tradition says makes me wonder when I look at the following: he doesnt keep his hairs,I'VE been to Gurdwara more than he has!,he drinks & smokes, and... it doesnt matter- u get the point? He isnt orthodox. He lived in Delhi his whole life and from the stories he tells me, he was no saint by any means. I didnt do half the things he claims he has- yet I am the one who is bad?? I am even the one whom suggested using Singh or Kaur in the baby's name! But then why is the tradition so important to him when he has no interest in it whatsoever!? The way he lies to everyone makes me wonder what lies I get told and dont know. He says I will never be an Indian woman...even if I was equal or better in everything I can do. What about my child? How is this fair to him/her?? To never know the grandparents etc? He wanted me to sign a prenup that said I get nothing when he leaves me and that I will let him go whenever he wishes to return to India! (I didnt sign so we didnt get married yet). Now hes been in India on holiday since December...he'll return in February. I love him and this hurts alot. When he decides to write me, which is NOT often..its lead to bickering and my crying. I am very stressed and depressed. I miss him. What should I do? I am getting nowhere. Can this work? He makes it sound like its the worse thing in the world to marry an American and father a half white child. Is it? Are parents THAT bad that it will never be accepted? PLEASE HELP...any advice is welcome!!
Posted by : M.J.
Posted on : 2005-01-15
Reply : oh honey i'm so sorry for everything. i am sikh too. all sikhmen aren't like this. my parents have been married for 17 years. i'm so proud of you that you tried to blend in indian culture for his love, but if he doesn't won't you or your child my advice to you is take him to court, he has no right to destroy your's and your child's life. ask him that him if he wanted to marry an indian woman, then why did he mess with you. try to contact his parents, i'm sure they will be ashamed of their son's deed and may be they will help you. and believe in god. satsriakaal
From : aman
On : 2005-12-16
Reply : My Goodness....this guy sounds like a complete arse, with a "mommy complex"!! My advise to you sweetheart is...leave him!!! You AND the child would be better off without such a negative person in your lives. Sheesh...I want to slap him!!!! Good luck with everything!!!!
From : Dez
On : 2005-08-31
Reply : Oh dear,isnt he an a*****e!Well it looks like he isnt going to face up to his responsibilities, he sounds like a kid himself.Im sure his mother would be disgusted to find out about what her 'precious' son has been up to.If she's a good woman then she would not want to abandon her grandson -even if he is half white.Family is very important in our culture.Unfortunately, she hasnt done a good job of bringing up her own son, so God knows what the family is like. My advice to you would be to let go of him.Your responsibility is to your child.He/she will want to know who their father is and one day you might want to say.If you know of his address in India then post photo's once the baby is born,if he wants nothing to do with the baby then look at it as a blessing-cos he would be a crap father and role model! You need to allow yourself to find someone better, someone who respects you and doesn't spend time with his ex!Learn from this relationship and please do not make the same mistakes again, read the signs and move on if he disrespects you. Good luck and God bless!Have faith, things will work out as they are mean't to be.
From : Sunshine
On : 2005-06-22
Reply : Note: Before reading this post, please be patient with me. I am an American who has become fascinated with Indian culture and eager to learn more about it. Please forgive me if I am ever politically incorrect. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Hello M.J. I understand this reply is late. I'm sorry to hear of your delimma. I understand your situation. I too am an American woman in a bi-racial relationship. I married a Japanese man. Japanese wives are much different than American wives and I assume the same goes for Indian wives. To ensure that my marraige would last it was imperative that I learn his culture to know what was expected of me. I'm sorry that you are in such a bad situation. This man does not sound like he respects women very well. If you haven't already married him, it would most likely be a good idea not to. Your child may be better off not growing up around someone who is dishonest and careless of other people's feelings. If he has so much disrespect for you I can't even emagine the disrespect he has for his parents. If he was concerned with having a baby that was half white he should have never slept with you. You have not ruined his life, he has chosen to ruin his own life through carelessness and failure to take responsibility of his own actions. I still have a lot to learn about India, but of all the friends that I have that are from India, none of them have ever treated women the way this person does. If anything, they treat them better than American men do. If you do decide to marry this man, don't sign a prenuptial agreement, this shows lack of trust before the marraige even has half a chance to flourish. Most importantly, take care of yourself.
From : A.H.
On : 2005-05-15
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