Love & Romance
Subject : arrange merriege
Question : well...i don't know how to start but lately i have noticed that my parents are willing to get me merried in india eventhough i don't want to. i belive that before i get merried i should meet this guy, get to know him for a while and then decide wehter to get merred or not, but my parents are very strick to this point. they don't agree with going out b4 merriege. tell me ppl what should i do?
Posted by : sama
Posted on : 2004-07-21
Reply : I very much agree with Sapna. Marriage is a serious thing and not to be taken lightly. No matter how much "technically" you fit together and what the stars and astrologers say and how much good or awesome and compatible to yours the other family is, the point is that YOU need to be happy at the end of the day. There go a lot more things into a marriage than simply caste and family compatibility. After all, in the end it will be your life that you will have to spend with this person so make a wise decision. See here's the thing that I think Indian parents just dont seem to grasp: compatibility happens on a personal level and not based on caste and all the other stuff. Two people need ot be compatible in more ways than just economic or ethnical (if those things matter at all). This is marriage, you have to be able to be comfortable with that person to the point of accepting to live with them and wake up every morning next to them and share more than just your bed and "table" w/ them. This, however, cannot possibly happen if you do not get to know someone first. So what your parents will be happy, but what about you? It is hard enough as it is to try to make it work with people you know, I can only imagine how mind-bogginly hard it must be to have to try to make it work with someone you dont know. And lets be frank this is marriage, it is not a summer-share or a 6 week vacation where at the end if you didnt like, you can back off or have a return policy. In the end what matters will be honesty, care, love, devotion, and commitment. Things you will find out about someone else only by getting to know them, not by having your parents set it up for you in a week. Your parent's criteria are just technicality, but what makes a marriage and living with a person work is not based on such technicalities - no matter how much you talk yourself into loving that person. I often hear from Indian parents that love can come after marriage. However, do not underestimate the power of self-delusion. Human beings have this great capacity to talk themselves into things (lie "loving " a stranger cause that is what it is, u marrying bascially a stranger) and into finding various excuses and self-delusional justifications to justify and accept their decisions and the realities in their life. In many matters this might be good and help us survive, but in some matters (as with marriage) it will lead to diaster cause eventually the "scam" or the charade will unmask itself and erupt into a diaster where people do not get divorced, but are in horrible relationships and marriages where they are not happy. I had a friend (Indian)whose parents were married for 30 years and who didnt get a divorce, but it was so bad, they would sleep in seperate rooms at opposite ends of the house. Is this what you want or anyone for that matter? If you parents are so strict and do not understand after you explain to them certain thins then I am sorry, they are just being slefish and ultimately do not seem to have your interest and best in mind. If they care they will listen. However, I also believe that parents have more capacity to understand and "stretch" and will not abandon their child than they are given credit for. So dont just give up. Make it clear to them that you will under no circumstances accept marriage w/ someone you do not know and that they need to understand that. Dont get weak and dont let them emotionally black-mail you (this by the way, parents are also better at than they are given credit for - they are masters, no PhDs in guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail). See is that way, what is more important to you, or what do you want least: not upsetting your parents and not facing them, or marrying someone you dont know and be miserable for the rest of your life? I wish you good luck and I hope you wont cave in...
From : Ridhima
On : 2004-12-05
Reply : I dont beleive in arrange marriages anymore. I was engaged to this guy in india only because my family pressured me into it. I only met him once before we got engaged. He seemed to be very nice but once he got to the US...he turned out to be an asshole and I broke off the engagement. I truly believe its very important to get to know someone before getting married. Marriage is not just a 3 day affair but a life long commitment. So take your time and see if you even like him to be with him for rest of your life. As for parents, they always wants the best for us but you have to make them realize by dating this person first and getting to know him is only gonna help them in the future. What if he turns out to be an asshole..will your parents live with the fact that since they pressured you, they have ruined your life. So I say, be strong and tell your parents...you are going to make the decision because its your life. Being an indian women is very hard but we have to learn to live for ourselves and make our own decisions. Tell them, your not saying no but just asking to get to know him first. Explain to them if he is truely a nice guy then why dont you let me get to know him first and if he is the nice guy then i dont have any problems wit getting married to him. And again if he is a nice guy...they shouldn't have anything to worry about. They mite be mad at first but in the end of the day, they still will be our parents.
From : Sapna
On : 2004-12-02
Reply : HAY I NOT A REGULAR READER BUT I RED UR MSG IF CAN B OF ANY HELP! TRY TO COMPORIMISE WITH YOUR YOUR PARENTS AND COME TO SUM SORT OF UNDERSTANDING REWMBA ITS YOUR LIFE IS IN YOUR OWN HANDS U DNT HAV TO GET MARRIED TO SOMEONE YOU DNT WANT TO! YOUR PARENTS ONLY WANT THE BEST 4U. TEL YOUR PARENTS YOU WONA MEET THE PERSON TALK TO THEM! ITS VERY IMOPORTANT4U2! THINK OV ON THE OTHER HAND IM SURE THE OTHER PERSON ON THE OTHER SIDE DOSENT WANT BLINDLY GO IN TO MARRIAGE IF HES SERIUS! IF HE DNT CARE THAN TO GET TO KNOW U FIRST THEN BEING HE FROM INDIA HE MITE JUS WONA GETA VISA UK/USA SO U MUST BE CAREFUL! BUT DNT GET ME WRONG THERE ARE LOADS OV DESENT GUYS IN INDIA JUS CHECK IT OUT KNOW HARM IN SEEING! JUS STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND IF YOU ANIT GONA WHO IS! SUMONE HAS TO MAKE THE CHANGE! IN THIS DAY AND AGE TEL GOT TEL YOUR PARENTS IF THEY HAV ANY TRUST IN YOU THEY WILL LISTEN2U! GOOD LUCK!
From : AMAN
On : 2004-11-23
Reply : Insist on at least seeing the boy. When you meet him, take some contact details of the boy. More chances are that the boy himself will be of the same opinion as you.i.e. of getting to know before saying yes or something. Arrange some outdoor meetings . You may choose mention this in your family acc. to whatever is their attitude. Basically, stick to what your heart tells you to. After all, ITS YOUR LIFE. Cheers I-SPY
From : eye spy
On : 2004-11-07
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